“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
“When you say “YES” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “NO” to yourself.” - Paulo Coehlo
When you get stuck in the habit of being a people pleaser then that can have a sneaky and negative effect.
Not only on you but also on the people around you.
Because as you try to please the other people in your life:
You put on a mask and try to guess what to do while getting anxious and stressed.
You sometimes feel taken advantage of by others who use your people-pleasing habit and you often feel out of tune with what you yourself deep down want.
It can also have an unintended effect on other people as they may see through your mask, start to feel your inner discomfort and stress themselves and get confused or upset because they sense you are not being honest and straightforward with them.
So trying to please others pretty much all the time is often an even worse choice than one may at first think.
But how can you change this behavior and stop being a people pleaser?
This week we’d like to share 7 powerful insights and habits that have helped us with that.
1. Realize that with some people it isn’t about you and what you do (no matter what you do).
Some people just can’t be pleased. No matter what you do.
Because it’s not about what you do or do not do. It’s about him or her.
About how she’s having a bad month, a sick pet, or doesn’t have good chemistry with you.
Or about him being in an unhappy marriage, in too much debt, or having a toothache that just won’t stop.
By realizing this and how you in the end can’t get everyone to like you or avoid conflict no matter what you do you can start to let go of this ineffective and damaging habit.
2. Learn how to say NO.
When you like to please then it’s of course hard to say no.
But it is vital for your own happiness, and stress levels and for living the life you truly want.
3. Reminder: People don’t really care that much about what you say or do.
Holding yourself back in life and trying to act in a way that is pleasing to others can, in my experience, to a large part come from a belief that people care a great deal about what you say or do.
But the truth is that while you may be the main character in your own life and head you’re not that in other people’s lives.
Because here’s the thing: people have their hands full with thinking and worrying about their own lives.
They have their heads full of thoughts about their kids, career, pets, hobbies, dreams, and worries or thoughts about what others may think of them.
This realization can make you feel less important. But it can also set you free.
4. Learn how to handle criticism and verbal lash outs (and the fear of that).
Tip #1 in this article is one thing that’ll help you to handle criticism and the fear of it.
Because sometimes it’s simply about the other person and his or her situation in life right now and not about what you did or did not do.
A few more things that help me to handle negative or critical messages are:
Wait before you reply.
Take a couple of deep breaths in a conversation or a few minutes if you’re in front of your inbox.
By doing so you’ll reduce the risk of lashing out at yourself or making a mistake. Calming yourself down a bit before replying is pretty much always a good idea.
5. Set boundaries for yourself.
If you say no to yourself, if you set a few firm boundaries for yourself then it will over time become easier to do the same towards other people too.
And these boundaries can also help you to focus better on what matters the most to you.
6. Strengthen your self-esteem.
Why’s this important?
Well, with a self-esteem toolbox filled with helpful habits you’ll value yourself and therefore your time and energy more and so it becomes more natural to say no when you need to.
And criticism and negative words will bounce off of you more easily and often.
Plus, you’ll be less concerned about getting everyone else to like you all the time.
Because now you like and respect yourself more and your dependency upon what others may think or say drops drastically.
7. Keep your focus on what YOU want out of your life.
If you know what’s most important to you and you keep your focus on that each day then you’ll naturally start to say no and stop being so people-pleasing.
Because now your energy and time are mostly focused on your needs and wants. You’re not just drifting along anymore without a clear focus (which is great because when you lack that then it’s easy to fall into the trap of just going along with what someone else wants).
So how do you do this practically?
Well, fine-tuning what you deep down want might take some time.
Do you want to start the journey to end the struggle of people-pleasing? Do you want to know what you want out of life? End the internal struggle of people-pleasing with awareness, compassion, and telling the truth!
Download the People-pleasing workbook to dig deeper and say "NO" to people-pleasing and say "YES" to you! Click Here
P.S: Whenever you're ready... here are 2 WAYS we can help you progress in life:
1. Join the 21-Day People Pleasing Detox Course to learn how to silence the people-pleaser in you and create healthier boundaries to develop unstoppable self-confidence - Click Here
2. Join us in the Confident Leaders Club Facebook Group - Become part of an amazing community of like-minded people from around the world. Go from being stuck in communication within your relationships and career to Feeling Confident about your Decisions and Delivering your point across with certainty - Click Here